


More Than Just a Nobody

by glennchen255



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Coming of Age, Gay Male Character, M/M, Science Fiction, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 19:18:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18817333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glennchen255/pseuds/glennchen255
Summary: Roxas is looking to enjoy his summer vacation, but between being outed as gay, and having strange dreams about a strange boy with blond hair, he finds that the summer is not going the way he wanted and he has to fight for what he believes in.





	1. The Transfer Student

**Author's Note:**

> All character names, setting and respective content are owned by Square Enix and Disney Interactive.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. I dreamed about him again. Blue eyes. Spiky, brown hair. And to make it even weirder he’s got these animal friends. Cantankerous duck. Dopey dog. That’s how I know I’ve really lost it. Why do I keep dreaming about him? How many other fifteen-year-old boys have recurring dreams about some cute guy and his furry friends? I want to know why it keeps happening. Why me? It’s hard enough being a short, scruffy kid at high school. It’s hard when you look like a boy but everyone treats you like you should be a man already. What is it I should be? A guy like me should get a girlfriend and defend his honour in the struggles...right? Well, I know which of those I  _ can  _ do.

I just keep dreaming about him. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about him. I like to imagine how cute he looks when he is sleeping...ugh. Why did it have to be a boy? Why me?

Mom and Dad took off before I could even say goodbye. They’re on business so much, I even wonder if I would recognise them when they come back. Would they recognise me? It’s funny. I’m not even sure I care. I live in this apartment with them, but it’s not really a home where I feel like I belong.

The last day of school was supposed to be a smooth one. Just one day before summer vacation when I could hang out with the gang and skateboard full time. It got off to a shaky start when teach’ announced a new transfer student. I mean, seriously? Who transfers on the last day of the semester?

So this transfer student sits two desks away from me. She has bright, blue eyes, white-blonde hair, and spends the whole, fucking afternoon staring at me like I got a rash on my face or something. Seifer was chucking paper airplanes at my head, but that’s normal; It’s his way of reminding me he’s still a jerk. I was in the process of launching my own paper fighter jet back when I noticed Hayner passing a note to Olette.

A blush spread across Hayner’s tanned cheeks. Trust me, in all the years I’ve known the guy, I’ve never seen him blush before. 

Olette’s face screwed up as she held the note in hand. Her hand shot up. ‘Ma’am, I need the bathroom.’ And she zoomed out, ponytail swinging behind her.

Seifer’s white jacket flapped about as he snatched up the note. Hayner tried to grab it but missed.

Seifer cleared his throat and read loudly to the class: ‘Dear Olette. I think about you every day. Would you meet me after class for a date?’ Seifer burst out laughing. He started chanting: ‘Hayner’s got a cru-ush. Hayner’s got a crush!’

I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

Hayner frowned at me. ‘I’ll admit it, ‘kay! I like Olette,’ he said. ‘At least I got the balls to say it!’

Hayner leaned back in his chair and shoved his arms behind his head. He always wore muscle vests in summer. He certainly wasn’t a bodybuilder, but his shoulders and upper-arms were well-defined for a teenaged guy. Hayner caught me looking at said muscles. I looked away. Looked back. Hayner gave me this wry smile.  _ Look away, dammit!  _ I scolded myself.

Then I caught a glimpse of miss transfer student looking at me. What was her name again?  _ Naminé _ , that was it. She handed me a note of her own. Was it a special day for passing notes?

I hesitated before taking it from her. On any other day, teach’ wouldn't have stood for this much disruption, but with it being the last day I think she had already taken off in search of a VHS player to make us all shut up.

Naminé’s bright blue eyes pierced their way across the classroom. Tentatively I unfolded the note and read her impeccable handwriting:

_ I want to get you know you better, Roxas. Will you meet me after school? Behind the bike sheds. _

I coughed. Behind the bike sheds? What was up with this girl? Day one and she wants a romantic rendezvous in the place all the kids go to kiss and smoke cigarettes. Naminé watched me carefully. I stole a glance around the rest of the room, which had gone quiet, oddly quiet. In fact, everyone was perfectly still.

My chair scraped across the floor as I stood up. All of my classmates were frozen stiff, mid-writing, mid-conversation, mid-airplane-making. 

Naminé was sat there blinking at me. Her eyes were wide like lanterns. ‘I wanted to meet you at least once, Roxas.’

I thought I might be going insane. I felt for my wristband. I squeezed myself hard. ‘What’s going on? Am I dreaming?’

‘No, but I can’t hold the data for long. Will you meet me later?’

I stuffed my hands into my pockets. ‘Don’t wanna.’

Her face fell. In fact I was sure her eyes started to glisten.

‘Look, it’s nothing personal.’ I looked around at my classmates, all frozen or trapped or whatever. I know it sounds fucking crazy, but I just sort of accepted it. Go with the flow and all. Naminé looked to me. She seemed to almost look inside of me. It was the first day we had met, but somehow I felt like I had met her before. I felt like she knew me. It was a relief, to be honest. I sighed heavily and decided to level with her. ‘Look Naminé. The thing is I’m not ever gonna meet with you like that.’

‘No, Roxas. You don’t understand.’

‘I do understand.’ There was a flicker of movement. Like the whole world twitched. ‘I’m into guys. I’m gay.’

The world lurched into motion. The whole class turned to stare as my admission reverberated round the room. ‘I’m gay.’

Naminé noticed the disturbance. ‘That’s not how I wanted this to go.’ She put her head in her hands. Her voice was strained, desperate. ‘You’re heartless, Roxas. You’re a nobody.’

Laughter. I looked around and all my classmates were laughing at me.

I looked back to Naminé. ‘Hey, that’s not fair. I told you I was gay, I didn’t ask for your damn opinion.’

She pulled at her hair. ‘You don’t understand!’

And then she vanished. She literally disappeared. Olette was sat in her place, pen in hand, looking up at me from the desk. She played with her dark fringe. ‘Sorry, Roxas. I didn’t know.’

I blinked at her. ‘I thought you went to the bathroom.’

Seifer’s laughter was obnoxiously loud. ‘Little Roxas, the little faggot, who’dve thought it?’

I looked him right in the eye under that stupid beanie hat he wore. ‘Shut it.’

To my saving grace teach’ came back at that moment with one of those TV sets on wheels and the class quietened down. We watched the Lion King in the dark. I wanted to enjoy the movie but I was worrying about the consequences of my secret being out. How likely was I to get beaten up on my way home? I looked around at where Naminé had been sat - where Olette was now. I caught Hayner’s eye in the hope of getting some reassurance but he looked away immediately. Some best friend he was.


	2. Dusks in the Twilight

Pence came bounding up to me as I left the school grounds. He pulled at the hem of his baggy sports shirt. ‘Hayner’s pissed with you, but he’ll come round.’

Everyone else had pretty much dispersed so we walked downtown together. Twilight Town always had this kind of buzz at this time of day, where the shops were still open but winding down and all the school kids had been let out. The sun was just starting to cast long shadows down the paved streets and you got this sense that the day was still to be had.

‘Why’s Hayner pissed with me?’

Pence adjusted the sweatband round his forehead. ‘Because he likes Olette.’

‘So?’

‘Olette likes you.’

‘You heard me earlier. I’m gay! What do I care?’ I fiddled with the silver, pointed cross on my zipper.

Pence frowned at me as we passed McDuck’s store. ‘I know. But he’s jealous that she likes  _ you  _ instead of him.’

‘Oh.’ I stopped walking.

Pence shrugged. ‘You want an ice cream?’

I frowned at the sign for sea salt-ice cream. ‘Sure.’ 

Pence passed me a blue ice cream lolly.

‘Thanks,’ I said around a mouthful of sweet-salty delight.

‘He’ll come round. Don’t worry.’

‘We’re best friends. I’m not worried.’

‘I gotta get home,’ said Pence. ‘See you out tomorrow?’

‘Sure. Skateboard’s not gonna ride itself.’

Pence nodded at me before we parted ways.

 

I checked the ice cream stick for the word ‘winner’ as I skateboarded into the woods. No luck. I threw the stick away. The woods themselves were bordered with the grounds of an abandoned mansion. I’d taken the long route in the hope that I would avoid my classmates.

The sound of giggling made me stop in my tracks. I looked around the great oaks, the carpets of wild flowers and the shafts of light breaking through the canopy.

A small group emerged from behind a couple of large trees. It was Seifer, and his gang: Fuu and Rai.

Seifer folded his arms around his broad chest. ‘Litterbug.’

I waved a hand dismissively. ‘Whatever.’

‘Hey. You pick that up, faggot.’

‘What did you call me?’

Seifer was hot on my heels, breathing down my neck. ‘We’re the Disciplinary Committee and I’m telling you to pick that lolly stick up, faggot.’

I gave him a good, hard shove. He was taller than me, but I knew how to use my weight – lower center of gravity and all that. 

He hit the ground with a thud. Instead of getting up he looked to his pals. ‘Well? Get him!’

I tried to run but Fuu was surprisingly swift as she caught me and held me in a headlock. 

Rai’s fist connected with my stomach. I felt a sharp pain and struggled as much as I could against Fuu’s grip.

Rai informed me with a deep voice, ‘You’d better wise up, ya’know.’

I tried to wriggle free but Fuu’s grip was tight, dammit!

Seifer got to his feet. ‘Let’s teach the faggot a lesson.’ He approached me. Heavy boots clomping on the ground, fists at the ready. I steeled myself, but all of a sudden Fuu let me go.

I raised my fists. I was ready for a fight. ‘You giving up already?’

Seifer’s eyes widened at something over my shoulder. His mouth dropped open and they all ran away. Then I saw it. A silver-colored creature warped across the forest and advanced at me, unbelievably fast. Its barely-human form was undulating. It had pointed arms and sharp-looking feet. Its bright, silver body glinted under the sunbeams as it went for me. It hit me square in the chest and it fucking hurt. I could see some sort of emblem on its head as it rebounded—it was like a heart and a cross. Sharp pain spread through my chest. The thing came at me again, striking another blow across my face with its freakishly-long arm, this time knocking me to the ground. One side of my face quickly went numb. I got onto my knees and I could feel blood running down my chin.  _ Shit. _ I was sweating like a pig and panting and I could hear it soaring towards me.

I saw twin wheels of metal glint out of the corner of my eye. Two sharp, red-silver chakrams went flying past and connected with the creature. They had been thrown by a hooded figure, dressed in all black. He ran over and hauled me up by a gloved hand. ‘Get out of here, buddy.’

I dusted myself off. ‘What is that thing?’

‘Fucking dusks,’ he commented, not addressing me directly.

The next silver  _ dusk  _ caught us both by surprise. The figure ran for his chakrams. I held my hands out in front of me – a futile attempt to keep the creature at bay. I felt a tingling in my fingers and a huge, silver key appeared in my hands. The blade was surprisingly well-balanced as I held it steady before me. It was at that point that I knew I had gone fucking crazy.

‘Roxas!’ the figure shouted, ‘Don’t do that! Put it away!’

_ He knew my name?  _ I looked to the blade in my hand. Slash. Slash. Slash. Before I knew it I had lashed at the silver monster and it burst into a confetti of colored orbs.

The mysterious guy’s tone was insistent. ‘Drop the keyblade and run!’

_ Keyblade? _ The word was somehow familiar. I watched him as he shifted his weight between his feet. ‘You called me Roxas! Who are you?’

‘That hurts, buddy, but I can’t tell you.’

‘Seriously?’ I pointed the blade - the keyblade - towards him. ‘Who the fuck are you? Some kind of stalker? Just leave me alone!’

‘Ugh. Wish I could.’ He seemed to pause a second, before he pulled down his hood. Long fiery-red hair flowed around in sharp points and contrasted with his aquamarine eyes. ‘You really don’t remember, do ya?’

I felt the weight of the keyblade in my hands. ‘Huh?’

He winked at me. ‘The name’s Axel. Got it memorized?’

I dropped the blade to the bed of leaves and stared at him blankly. ‘Why would I remember you? I’ve never met you!’

He shook his head. ‘You don’t know how much I’ve risked coming here. Your nose is bleeding.’

I wiped it with my arm. ‘I know.’

Two more silver things glinted in the distance. Axel turned to them almost immediately. He had sharp senses, like a hunter. ‘Get out of here, Roxas.’

I went to pick up the keyblade. It vanished from the ground and reappeared in my hand. I gripped the yellow handle tightly. ‘I can fight.’

‘No. Get out of danger!’ He threw the first chakram. ‘Go now!’

I dived past him and slashed at the oncoming dusk. ‘Not a chance!’

It felt right. I had never felt so alive. Forget about the humdrum of high school, or even scuffles with Seifer’s stupid gang. Fighting for real. It felt so good. It felt so...me.

Axel took the left one and I took the right. We fended them off together until they were nothing but winking orbs of dust in the ground. Axel collected his chakrams.

I studied the keyblade’s rounded, silver edge and its yellow handle. It had a chain running off it, with a Mickey Mouse emblem dangling on the end. Suddenly it dissolved out of my hands and I questioned whether it had even been there.

Axel was still stood beside me. He grabbed hold of my shoulders. I noticed the teardrop-shaped markings under his eyes. ‘You need to stay out of trouble,’ he said.

‘Are you kidding? I wanna do that again!’

He gently rubbed my nose with his sleeve. ‘You need to get cleaned up. Promise me you’ll go straight home?’

I looked him in the eye. His expression was stoic and unyielding. I didn’t feel like I could mess with him without ending up with a chakram lodged in me someplace. ‘All right,’ I said.

‘You promise?’

‘Yeah, okay. I promise. Jeez,’ I replied as I walked away. ‘Who are you anyway?’ I asked. I looked over my shoulder, but he had gone.

 

Naminé’s words bothered me as I cleaned up in the bathroom sink. There was a lot of dried blood on my face, which made the water go pink by the time I was finished. The pain in my chest was still there but had faded to a dull ache. I shrugged off my white jacket and chucked my black undershirt in the laundry basket. I watched the plastic fish swimming round my lamp aimlessly as I sat on the bed.

_ You’re heartless. _

Dammit, Naminé. Why did you have to be so harsh?

_ You’re a nobody. _

It ticked me off. In fact, it bugged the hell out of me. All right, so I was different. Maybe I loved in a different way. Heck, maybe I felt differently, but that didn’t make me a nobody did it it? I still had a heart, right? I could still be a somebody...right?


	3. The Apex

RESTORATION AT 20% COMPLETE

My chest felt heavy as I rolled down Market Street on my skateboard. I wasn’t sure if it was from the fight or because I was worried what the gang thought of me. They’d never said anything homophobic. Well, Hayner called anyone that annoyed him _gay_ , but so did everyone. Now I could tell them how much it ticked me off.

Hayner, Pence and Olette were sat round the table in the hideout. I joined them for lunch (first meal of the day for kids on vacation). We had nachos with fiery-hot salsa and jalapeños.

Olette and Pence admitted they couldn’t take the heat. Hayner and I rose to the challenge.

‘You alright, Hayner?’ I asked.

‘I’m fine!’ Hayner said round a mouthful of nachos and chilli peppers.

‘You’re sweating a lot. Are you sure you can cope with that?’

Hayner gave me a friendly punch. ‘You try, jackass.’

‘Kay.’ I loaded up a nacho with as many of the jalapeño slices as I could. It was fine at first but the heat spread around my mouth until my tongue was on fire. ‘Water!’ I gasped. ‘Water!’ Oh God, I felt like I was gonna die.

Olette passed me a water bottle and I spat out the chillies. I doused the flames in my mouth and then my face for good measure.

Hayner was laughing something wicked. ‘You’re such a dork, Roxas.’

‘Shut it, blondie.’

Olette sipped from the remains of the water bottle. ‘You always make us laugh, Rox. It wouldn’t be the same here without you.’

I thought about my little announcement in class. ‘After what I said yesterday, don’t you think differently about me?’

Pence was hoovering up the remaining nachos. ‘You mean when you said you’re a gay?’

I nodded.

‘We kind of had an inkling,’ said Pence.

‘I didn’t,’ said Olette.

Hayner folded his arms. ‘Yeah, well we know that.’

Everyone laughed. I hoped Olette didn’t feel too awkward. My spirit lifted a little knowing they were cool with me.

We goofed around listening to music and making a nuisance of ourselves around town. Scrooge McDuck’s prices were reasonable enough that I got ice creams for everyone with plenty allowance to spare. I met them at the top of the clock tower, skateboard crooked under one arm, four sea-salt ice creams in the other.

As I handed them out, Hayer took a bite from the blue lolly. ‘Can I talk to you a sec?’

I licked the drops off my own melting ice cream. It was satisfyingly salty. ‘What’s up?’

Hayner led me round the other side of the clock tower. We sat side-by-side, legs dangling over the edge and watched the miniature trains go round, casting long shadows against Twilight Town below our feet. ‘I heard you got into a fight yesterday.’

I should have worn a muscle vest like Hayner. The setting sun was beating down like a motherfucker. I opened my jacket some more. ‘Where’d you hear that?’

‘Seifer was bragging about it. Enacting justice on faggots or some shit like that.’

‘The fucker,’ I said. It made my chest feel tight. ‘How dare he judge me? How dare he question what’s in my heart?’

‘I hear ya.’ Hayner looked at me sidelong. ‘You could have told me.’

‘About what?’

‘About the fight. Or even about...you know. I could have helped.’ He ran a hand through his swept-back blond hair and I caught myself admiring his biceps again.

Olette and Pence were chattering quietly round the other side.

‘No harm done,’ I said.

Hayner’s brown eyes were big and warm as he looked to me. ‘I wanna make sure of it.’ He played with a strand of my spiky hair. Then his hand rested on my cheek and he pulled me in close.

We kissed and Hayner’s mouth was warm and tasted sweet and salty. It must have lasted only a few seconds but it felt like forever. I wanted to get lost in the depths of his mouth. Hayner pulled away and nuzzled up against me. He put an arm round me and we watched the sun setting over the town together. ‘You’re okay, Roxas,’ he said reassuringly.

I leaned against him. He had worked up a little sweat. He smelt very manly. ‘Naminé said I don’t have a heart.’

‘Whose Naminé?’

‘She said I’m a nobody.’

Hayner squeezed me. ‘I don’t think you’re a nobody. I think you’re special, Roxas.’

It sounds harsh to say it, but I didn’t believe him. It was nice to kiss a boy, though.

Hayner took a bite of my lolly, playfully. We shared that moment, tangled together under the setting sun.

‘I don’t want this to end,’ I said.

‘It’s got to end. We’ve just got to enjoy it while it lasts,’ Hayner said.

This time I believed him and you know what, it hurt a little.

 

I don’t know how it happened but I lost my balance. My foot slipped away from the clock tower. My hand grazed the stone ledge as it fell away. I looked down at the world tumbling toward me with my heart in my mouth. Relieved of my worldly burdens, I was weightless as I slowly, peacefully drifted away from the tip of the tower. There was a beach above me. The ripple of the water’s surface. An outstretched hand.

‘Sora!’ the girl called out.

‘Kairi!’ I replied.

‘Sora!’

I saw my reflection in the water’s surface as it fell away. It was that boy again. Bright blue eyes. Long spikes of brown hair.

I woke with a start. My PJ shirt was soaked in cold sweat. I pushed the window open and leaned out into the night’s cool breeze.

Sora.

His name was Sora.


	4. The Red Assassin

RESTORATION AT 40% COMPLETE

I was riding my skateboard around Station Heights, practising some tricks when Axel jumped at me from a shadowed corner. His jacket was black as midnight. His hair a shock of crimson, all sticking up and swept back around oval his face.

He stopped my board with the heel of his boot.

‘Hey!’ I said.

He flipped the white board up and deftly caught it in one hand. ‘How are you doing, buddy?’

I snatched my board from him and spun one of its black wheels. ‘Who wants to know?’

He looked hurt. ‘I do, jackass.’

‘You never told me who you are or how you know me.’

‘I can’t. I’m not even supposed to be here.’

I set the board down and skated away. ‘Leave me alone then.’

A chakram flew past my head and lodged into the brick wall beside me.

I stopped hard and turned to Axel. His hand was still outstretched, but his head was low. ‘He doesn’t really care for you. Not in that way.’

I knew who he was talking about and I didn’t care much for it. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Who are you to tell me about my best friend?’

‘Hear me out.’ He ran up to me, produced a sea-salt lolly and stuck it in my mouth.

After I got over the initial shock of this swift action, I sucked on the lolly. It was refreshing. I pulled it out my mouth and licked up the drops travelling down the stick. ‘Where’d you pull that from, your ass?’

He laughed. A smile spread across his lips as he bit into his own ice cream. ‘I miss this. I keep thinking about the day we met.’

‘We met the other day, buddy. Unless you’re some kind of a stalker.’

‘Nuh-huh. I got it memorized.’ He tapped his temple. ‘The first day we met, you got your new name and we watched the sun set red together.’

I looked him in the eye. His stare was deathly serious. He was either completely batshit insane or I had come off the fight with Seifer more badly than I thought. I decided to humour him. ‘All right, so we met someplace else. Why do you keep bothering me?’

‘I–’ he paused. Sucked the lolly. He seemed to think hard, like he was being careful with his words. ‘You’re not safe here, Roxas. They want you for their own ends.’

‘Who’s they?’

‘The Organization. I can’t tell you too much or they’ll come after me too. I told them I would check up on you. I think they bought it, but they’re gonna find out soon and then I’m on the run.’

‘Why does this _Organization_ want me?’ I added air-quotes for emphasis.

‘So they can get Kingdom Hearts.’

‘What the fuck is that?’ I inspected my ice lolly nonchalantly. ‘You’re not making any sense, _Axel_.’

Axel took hold of my chin. He tilted my head back with gloved fingers. Our eyes met, faces inches from each other.

Axel’s voice was a careful whisper. ‘I heard Riku is still looking for you, but he’s not to be trusted. He wants to keep you here.’

_Riku!_

There was a voice in my head. It was not my own.

_Riku’s my friend!_

The voice knew him.

 _Do you know Axel?_ I asked back.

... _I know Riku._

‘Hey, Roxas.’ Axel squeezed my chin gently. ‘Are you even listening to me?’

I looked into those blue-green eyes and to the purple teardrop markings. The voice inside me knew Riku and somehow—like a distant memory all but forgotten—I felt like I knew this tall son-of-a-bitch in front of me too. My brain didn’t know it, and I don’t care what Naminé says, but my heart did, dammit. He still held me. I kissed him. Axel’s mouth was hot and fiery. He kissed me back with a ferocity that literally took my breath away.

He was the second guy I had kissed that week. I wasn’t doing too bad for having just come out the closet.

When we were done he took hold of my wrist and guided my sea-salt lolly back in my mouth.

‘I never meant to tell you this much.’ He caressed my cheek gently. ‘I didn’t expect to feel so much when I saw you again. Why am I gushing like this? I didn’t even think I could feel like this.’

I sucked on the lolly, enraptured by his gaze. ‘I want to know more.’

‘I know, buddy. Keep your head low. I gotta do some homework before I can figure out how we’re gonna get you out of here.’

‘I don’t want to get out of here.’

‘You might feel differently after you know more.’ He stepped away. ‘Just hang on. I’ll see you soon, Roxas. It’s good to see you again.’

I don’t quite know why I said it, but the words passed my lips. ‘You too.’

Whatever it was he was talking about, I didn’t want to go. I liked Twilight Town.


	5. Hayner’s Promise

RESTORATION AT 60% COMPLETE

I waited by Scrooge McDuck’s place for Hayner’s late ass to show up. He was thirteen minutes late according to the clock tower, not that I was counting. I’d not been able to sleep so I got up early. I’d never been on a date, and I had to make sure I was well-prepared anyway. I spent a good while with the hair wax in front of the mirror, making sure each brown spike was pointing just right. My undershirt was fresh, as was my crisp, black-and-white jacket with its polished silver zipper that gleamed under the sun. I had butterflies in my stomach, but I was ready.

Hayner looked dazzling in his signature muscle vest and sleeveless, khaki jacket. His blond hair was gelled back in such a way that I could never tell if it took him two hours or two minutes to get it right. He was so  _ Hayner _ in the way he greeted me with a fistbump. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t exhibiting symptoms of total nervous breakdown like I was.

‘Hey man,’ said Hayner.

‘Hey,’ I replied hesitantly.

Unfortunately I caught sight of Seifer strutting round the corner. If anything, that helped me get it together.

Seifer’s eyes narrowed under his beanie hat. He slithered over to Hayner’s side. ‘You’re still friends with that faggot, Hayner? That’s brave of you.’ 

‘Don’t you have anything better to do?’ I asked him.

Hayner clenched his fists so hard they shook. Suddenly, violently, he grabbed hold of the back of my head and kissed me fiercely.  _ Fuck, that was a good idea!  _ I got the twin satisfaction of shocking Seifer while reacquainting myself with the inside of Hayner’s mouth.

‘Oh God, ew. Two faggots? Stop it before I throw up.’

Haner wiped his mouth. He looked his rival in the eye. ‘It takes more bravery to fight for what you believe in than to push others around.’

Seifer clapped his hands together. ‘Amen to that. Nice performance, boys. Okay so you two are brave enough to kiss in the street or whatever? How about you show just how brave you are by entering the Struggles Tournament?’

‘Yeah, we’ll enter just to beat your sorry ass,’ Hayner said defiantly.

Seifer looked to me. ‘What about you, pretty-boy. You gonna enter?’

I took hold of Hayner’s hand. Our fingers locked together. ‘I was gonna enter anyway, but if I get the chance to beat you down, then I’m all for it.’

Hayner squeezed my hand. ‘Yeah, dude.’

‘Perfect,’ Seifer said with a fiendish grin. ‘I’ll see you at the tournament then.’

‘Count on it,’ I replied.

He waved a dismissive hand as he walked away. ‘Have a good day, faggots.’

Hayner was grinning from ear to ear. ‘Nice one, Roxas. Did you see how wound up he was? It makes me so happy!’ 

We walked to my place hand-in-hand like there wasn’t a care in the world between us.

 

The apartment had got stuffy while I had been gone. Hayner shrugged off his jacket as we got in and I threw open some of the windows. I made us microwave pizza and we sat on my bed cross-legged together, as we ate.

Nirvana was rocking quietly out of the stereo and there was a gentle breeze coming from the open window. I lay back on my bed and looked up at the wooden beams. Hayner was still sat beside me, munching on the last of the pizza.

‘Hey. Hayner?’

‘What’s up?’ he replied while chewing.

‘It’s really cool that we can hang out like this. I’m really glad you came here today.’

‘Yeah, me too, dude.’ I saw him licking pizza grease off his fingers. ‘You gotta learn to use the oven though. I mean, microwave pizza, seriously?’

‘Shut up!’ I got up and tickled him under his arms.

Hayner tickled me back and we got into a playfight. The pizza was flung off the bed as fingers tickled over ribs and under armpits. Somehow Hayner got ahold of my foot.

‘Nooo!’ I screamed. His fingers rubbed my foot through my sock and I laughed uncontrollably as I convulsed around the bed. Next thing he had my sock off and I was in danger of going insane as he tortured my bare skin. I squirmed and got a hold on his chest and tickled him as hard as I could through his black vest. ‘Stop it, Hayner!’ I laughed. ‘Oh God, stop it!’

Hayner relented and we sat together laughing as we caught our breath.

‘What are you gonna do if we end up head-on in the struggles?’ Hayner asked.

‘I dunno. I’ll wear thick shoes.’

Hayner laughed. Out of the blue he advanced at me again and I flinched.

‘Wait! I’m not gonna tickle you. Promise.’ He gently put an arm round my shoulders.

He pulled me into an embrace and our mouths found each other. I ran my fingers through his crunchy gelled hair as we kissed.

We lingered close after the kiss.

‘You taste of pizza,’ I informed him.

‘Likewise, pepperoni-breath.’ Hayner’s brown eyes were wide as he looked at me and grinned. ‘Remember Seifer’s reaction earlier?’

‘We really got him wound up, didn’t we?’

Hayner smirked. ‘It’s gonna be so awesome when we beat him in the struggles. Show him our gang’s best once and for all!’

‘Yeah,’ I agreed, a little in awe of his enthusiasm.

‘So, did you wanna make out all day or did you have something planned?’

I looked around my room. ‘I got plenty of Playstation games. We could play something?’

‘Sounds good.’

I showed him my console and collection of games stacked up on my desk. We drew the curtains and squashed up on the edge of my bed, each with a controller in hand as we followed the nitro-speed racing on my little square TV.

‘So, Hayner. Do you ever wonder what will happen after we graduate high school?’

Hayner was the button-mashing sort of guy. ‘Yeah, we’ll go to college.’

‘But like, do you ever wonder what will happen to us?’

He looked sidelong at me. ‘Us?’

‘You know, our friendship.’ I bit my lip. ‘Or whatever this is.’

He paused the game. ‘Oh no, I sense mopey Roxas coming out.’

I put my controller down and leaned against the wall. ‘I’m being serious, Hayner.’

‘I know.’ He gave me a friendly punch. ‘I think you worry too much.’

‘Do not.’

‘Come on, let’s get it out of your system. You wanna know what this is?’ He gestured between the two of us.

‘Yeah, that would help.’ I admitted. ‘How come you’re here with me when you like Olette?’

‘Geez. I can like both of you, can’t I?’

‘I guess. But how can I know that you really want to be with me?’

‘Well, Olette didn’t want me for one.’

I looked to my feet. My right foot was still missing a sock after the tickling match. ‘So I’m the consolation prize?’

‘Whoever said I wouldn’t chose you first?’

‘But I’m a boy. You’d have an easier time being with a girl.’

‘Now you’re just talking shit,’ said Hayner. He pecked me on the cheek. ‘How could I prove I love you? I got it! If we face each other in the struggles, I’ll let you win.’

‘Why would you do that?’

‘Why not? We’ll still get to beat Seifer, and I’ll get to prove my love.’ Hayner gave me a cheesy grin.

I felt myself frowning skeptically. ‘Are you sure?’

He held a hand out. ‘I promise.’

I took hold of his hand and held it to my chest. ‘Does this mean we’re boyfriends, then?’

‘We’re whatever you want us to be.’ Hayner replied.

He could have been more helpful. ‘All right. We’re boyfriends then,’ I said.

‘Boyfriends.’ He pulled me into a hug and we kissed again.

Hayner directed me to lay beside him. We squashed up on the bed together. He put his arms around me and I felt the warmth of his body against my back. His touch was gentle and comforting.

‘What happens when we do graduate school?’ I asked.

‘We go to college. Probably different colleges.’

‘Do you really think so?’

‘I think it’s very likely,’ Hayner remarked. ‘It doesn’t mean we can’t stay in touch. We can phone and email and visit each other.’ He squeezed me.

‘I guess so. It’s hard to imagine it working, you know?’ I looked round my room. The fish were still swirling round the lamp. The stained glass moon and stars on my door were shining brightly with the light from the hallway. ‘I wish this could be forever.’

I felt Hayner’s hand on my side. He held me gently. ‘Nothing’s forever, dude.’

I sighed heavily. ‘Doesn’t the future scare you?’

‘You gotta follow your heart, Roxas. Do what feels right in the moment.’

I got what he was saying, but it was hard to feel it. Maybe Naminé was right, maybe I didn’t have a heart.

‘What’s this favour then, Rox?’ Olette was stood outside Scrooge McDuck’s place.

I ran my fingers through the spikey points of my hair. ‘I wanted to say sorry I turned you down in class.’

Olette laughed heartily. ‘Have you been stewing on this? I forgot all about it already!’ She winked at me. ‘Is that all you wanted to see me for?’

‘Hayner and I are boyfriends now,’ I explained as I passed her a sea-salt lolly. ‘We’re entering the struggles together. What I wanted to ask you was, will you promise the winner a kiss?’

She pointed at me with the lolly. ‘I thought you weren’t into girls!’

Olette was playing ditzy. ‘You know the answer to that question. You gotta tell us both beforehand. Make a big thing of it.’

‘I feel like I’m missing something.’ She smirked at me. ‘You want your boyfriend to know that if he wins the struggles, I’ll give him a kiss?’

I nodded. ‘Pretty much. Hayner promised me he’d let me win if we fought.’

She snapped her fingers. ‘Got it. So lover-boy has to choose between keeping his promise to you or getting a kiss from his girl-crush.’ She did a little dance. ‘This is juicy.’

‘The lolly or the situation?’

‘Both, Rox.’ She sucked the lolly. ‘This is a very tasty bribe. I would have done it for nothing, you know.’

‘It’s a deal then?’

She looked me in the eye, her tone took on a serious edge. ‘I don’t think you got anything to worry about. But it’s a deal.’

We shook on it.


	6. The Struggles

RESTORATION AT 80% COMPLETE

The other guy’s long hair shone silver under the moonlight. It glinted like the waves rolling in the distance. He turned to Sora.

Far off in the sky there was a shooting star. 

Sora pointed. ‘Did you see that, Riku?’

‘Yeah,’ he replied softly.

There was a strong connection between them. I could tell they were friends. In fact, Sora’s feelings were so strong I wondered whether they were something more.

‘What I said back there, about thinking I was better at stuff than you,’ Riku said. He stretched out his long, tanned arms. ‘To tell you the truth, Sora. I was jealous of you.’

Sora drew lines in the sand with the heel of his sneaker. ‘What for?’

Riku contemplated the shore a while. The waves rolled over in the darkness. ‘I wished I could live life the way you do...just following your heart.’

Sora took it in his stride. He put his hands behind his head. ‘Yeah, well I’ve got my share of problems too.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like...wanting to be like you.’

Riku seemed to think on this. ‘Well, there is one advantage to being me. Something you can never imitate.’

Sora looked to him attentively. ‘What’s that?’

‘Having you for a friend.’

Sora put an arm round him. ‘Then I guess I’m okay the way I am. I’ve got something you could never imitate too.’

And they watched the waves together, side-by-side, long into the night.

 

My mind felt foggy. It was such a vivid dream. At least it felt like a dream. Was it a dream or was it a vision?

_ It’s destiny. _

Who said that?

_ I did. _

Oh. It’s you. The boy called Sora. Why do I keep dreaming about you?

_ We’re connected. _

Connected? How are we connected?

_ Are you someplace you can call home? _

Yeah...I guess so.

_ I’m a long way from home. A long way. But I think we’re connected so you can help me. _

Help you? But how?

_ I don’t know, Roxas. But you’ll find a way. _

I guess I’ll try. No promises though. I’m not in the habit of doing things strange people ask me in my dreams.

_ It’s cool. And Roxas? _

Yeah?

_ Thank you. _

 

I clopped Hayner on the side with the foam bat. ‘Hey, Hayner. Do you ever dream about other people?’ 

We were sparring in the back streets, getting our practise in for the struggles. He blocked my next strike with his own blue bat. ‘Yeah sometimes. Why?’

‘I keep dreaming about this boy. I hear his thoughts and it’s so vivid sometimes I feel like he’s inside me.’

Hayner set down his weapon and raised an eyebrow. ‘Like in a sexual way?’

‘Eww no! I mean in a...spiritual way.’ I used his distraction to land a hit on him.

‘Ow!’ He rubbed his shoulder. ‘Roxas. I think you got a screw loose.’

I lowered my own bat. ‘Well, we knew that.’

‘I don’t care if you’re crazy. Are you ready to beat Seifer’s gang and become champion of the struggles?

I lifted my bat high. ‘Hell yeah!’

 

A hand caught my shoulder as I pushed through the crowd that had gathered round the square.

‘Hey short stuff.’ Axel had somehow blended in despite being tall, red-haired and in a trench-coat.

I was gonna say something snarky but his smile was disarming.

‘Good luck today. You’ll knock ‘em dead.’ He winked at me.

I found myself smiling back. ‘Thanks.’ I said. 

He pulled me into a hug and he clapped a hand on my back. I held him tight against me.

 

A crowd of spectators had gathered around the square. Our gang was pressed up at the sidelines to cheer me and Hayner on.

Each contender was given a foam bat, which was blue with a yellow handle. They looked harmless enough but they could sting in the right hands. We each wore a belt with five coloured orbs loosely attached. All you had to do was knock off all your opponent’s orbs and you were the winner.

My first fight was with Rai. Everything about Rai was decisive and to the point. Even his short brown hair and the determined frown on his face.

The referee raised a hand. ‘Ready. Set. Go!’

Rai’s chest and arm muscles were comically inflated from too many gym sessions. He was certainly stronger than me, but did he have the technique?

‘You look like a big ape, you know that,’ I taunted him.

He shifted his weight between his feet as he sized me me up.

I ran around him. ‘How long did you spend preening at the gym to get that big?’

He struck at me with his bat. ‘I thought the gays like big muscles.’

I deflected him with my own bat. ‘Ape-like and homophobic. You’ve got a lot going for you, man.’

‘Hey, no fair. I never said I was ‘phobic.’ He struck at me again but missed.

I took the opportunity to strike at his belt. Two orbs pinged off. ‘You didn’t hesitate to rough me up some in the forest with your gang.’

His bat caught an orb at my side and it came off too. ‘I was following orders and it was because you dropped litter.’

‘Yeah, right!’ I parried and tried to get around him.

‘I don’t have a grudge against ya, Roxas. I just want a fair fight, yaknow.’

I nodded curtly. ‘All right then. Bring it.’

Rai’s size and strength was impressive but he was a big target. He had a habit of leaving himself open.

I let him come at me, feinted to throw him off, and then sidestepped, allowing him to pass by, before batting off all but one of his orbs. ‘Nearly got ya!’ I taunted him.

‘You play different to Seifer. This has been a good one.’ He struck at me but I stepped back and used the momentum to get a swing at his belt. The final orb wiggled and broke free. The crowd cheered as it hit the floor.

 

‘Nice work,’ Pence said as we stood against the rope.

Olette fistbumped me and we watched Hayner’s first fight from the sidelines. Fuu was swift but her technique was sloppy. Hayner stood up well, no doubt thanks to our sparring and him learning a lot off me. Hayner had been determined to get as good as me. He kept asking me to explain everything I was doing and it was funny because once the bat was in my hands it just sort of came naturally to me, like that time I fought the dusks alongside Axel.

Hayner was declared winner and it wasn’t long before half the entrants had been eliminated. We were both through to the semi-finals. I smirked when I saw the leaderboard and who my next contender was. It was going to be interesting.

Seifer wore a half-shirt that revealed a lean stomach. His open jacket flapped about him as he darted around the field. In contrast to Rai who stood steady and chose his moment to strike, Seifer was ever-moving, keeping me guessing about where he was going and when he was going to pounce.

I mirrored his style as best I could, keeping my distance but still hanging close enough by to get two steps in and strike.

‘Go on, Roxas!’ Hayner shouted from the crowd.

His voice cut across my concentration. Seifer flew past me and took and orb with him.

He smirked at me. ‘Your boyfriend wants you to win.’

I kept back and tried to forget about my lost orb. ‘He wants to show up your gang!’

‘We’re not a gang. We bring justice.’ 

‘By beating random people up?’ I asked. I got in close and struck an orb off him too.

Seifer gritted his teeth. He jumped back. ‘We don’t beat up random people.’

Our eyes met. ‘You know full well you beat me up in the forest because I’m a faggot.’ I used that horrible word. I claimed it for my own.

‘Yeah, so?’ he passed his bat between his hands. ‘How else are we going to teach a little discipline? How else are ya gonna learn?’

‘I’m plenty disciplined.’ I said as I feinted, watched him flinch and then took a strike. Seifer lost his second orb. ‘I’ve got nothing to learn, Seifer. I know there’s nothing wrong with the way I am.’

‘It’s not right.’ He came at me hard and pushed me to the edge of the ring. He tried to get at my belt but I blocked him with my own bat.

‘Suppose you didn’t pick on someone so tough,’ I said as I pushed back and our bats locked together. My arm stung and sweat ran down my forehead. ‘Suppose you picked on some other kid who went and did something stupid because of how worthless you made him feel.’

I pushed him off and got back towards the center of the ring.

Seifer eyed me silently.

I raised my voice. ‘How can you know what’s right?’

He flinched. ‘I don’t. I just do my best and follow my heart.’ Suddenly he rushed at me.

‘Me…me too, Seifer.’ I faltered a second and he got in a strike on my belt. Now we both had three orbs left. I recovered quickly and backed up.

‘So we’re both following our hearts,’ Seifer said. ‘And it’s three-all. If your will is stronger than mine, we’ll see who's right, won’t we?’

‘What a messed up way of looking at the world,’ I retorted. 

I circled him, hoping to get a hit in again, but he beat me to it, whirling at me with his blade. I saw the bat’s edge rebounding off my belt as my third orb bounced to the ground.

Seifer adjusted his beanie cap as if it had been no effort. ‘I don’t see how else you can look at the world, Roxas. You gotta do what you gotta do.’

‘That’s no reason to be horrible to me!’ I replied.

‘Maybe. Tell you what, if you win, you’ll get an apology from me.’

‘Whatever,’ I said.

‘I mean it,’ he replied. His boots clomped along the ground as he ran at me.

I knew Seifer was wrong and I had to show him. I ran at him and instead of meeting his outstretched bat I ducked and skidded past him, turned and swiped at his back. I felt it connect once, twice and Seifer had just one orb left.

I had to recover quickly, because I was vulnerable on the ground.

Seifer turned and eyed me. Blond strands of fringe poked out of his beanie. ‘You are nimble, aren’t you? You’d make a strong ally.’

‘Shut it,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to be your ally.’

Seifer darted around the arena. I couldn’t tell which way he was going, but I upped my own pace, trying to pre-empt where he was going without leaving myself cornered.

I misread a turn and suddenly Seifer was on top of me. I saw his bat swing toward me and it crashed against my waist. I lost another orb. I reacted without thinking, smashing my bat against him back-handed. It felt rushed and all wrong, but as I looked up I saw Seifer’s last orb fall and his belt was empty.

‘The winner is Roxas!’ the referee declared.

Seifer took my hand and lifted it up as we faced the crowd.

Everyone cheered. My pals were chanting from the sidelines ‘Roxas, Roxas, Roxas!’

Seifer caught the eyes of Hayner, Pence and Olette before turning to me. He spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear. ‘Roxas, I’m sorry for the way I treated you. You showed me today you are true and honorable of heart. As of today I’d like to propose a truce between our gangs so that maybe we can work together.’

Hayner’s voice rang out. ‘No way. Screw you!’

I ignored Hayner. I shook his hand. ‘We’ll think on it.’

 

Vivi made for an interesting contender against Hayner because he was so short he had to use his superior agility to outmaneuver him. I was rooting for Hayner of course, fully aware however, that if Hayner won we would be up against each other in the finals. I could see Hayner doing some of the moves I had taught him. He was feinting to try and trick Vivi into blocking, then moving and striking unexpectedly. Vivi had a few surprises too, like being able to leap across the arena or somersault out the way, but it wasn’t enough to stop Hayner’s resolve. Hayner cheered for himself when he got the last orb off Vivi’s belt.

He came off the ring, head held high, looking all smug. ‘We did it, guys!’

Pence clapped him on the back. ‘You rocked.’

‘Well done, Hayner!’ I took hold of his hand. Some heads turned, but I didn’t care. I was proud of him.

Hayner’s cheeks went a little red.

‘Now you’re both through to the final,’ said Olette, ‘I wonder which one of you will receive my kiss?’


	7. The One that Came off Worse

Hayner’s arms looked great as he held the blue bat steady. I was quick off my feet but Hayner hesitated.

I wanted to put him at ease. ‘It’s weird that we’re head to head, isn’t it?’

‘We sparred a lot,’ said Hayner. ‘It’s not much different.’

‘I guess,’ I admitted. ‘I don’t wanna hurt you, baby. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.’

Hayner began circling me. I think he felt better because he chided me. ‘You mean the  _ only _ boyfriend you’ve ever had.’

I made for an obvious strike, which he blocked. ‘True, man. Harsh, but true.’

Hayner’s brown eyes met mine. ‘You ready for me to prove my love?’

‘If you’re still sure,’ I said.

Hayner shrugged. I saw him looking over to Pence and Olette in the crowd. In fact I couldn’t see Pence, but Olette waved at us animatedly. Everyone was cheering.

Something caught my eye, way up high. A white, flowing dress and a black figure in a long coat beside it. I squinted and made out the shapes of Naminé and Axel watching from a rooftop. I could almost see Naminé’s serene smile as she watched me. Axel mouthed something and tapped his temple. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I think it was encouraging. It was weird seeing them both up there. Black and white. Light and dark. Surreal, almost.

That was enough whimsy. I brought my focus back on the ring. Hayner was still watching Olette’s dance of encouragement.

‘You seem pretty distracted, Hayner.’

He looked over. ‘You seem pretty distracted yourself.’

I looked back up to Naminé and Axel’s vantage point. They had vanished.

Hayner’s bat stung at my thigh and took out my first orb.

‘Hey!’ I slashed back at him, but he blocked me. ‘So much for holding back, huh?’

‘I am holding back. Gotta make it look real, right?’ He winked at me.

‘Yeah, Ok.’ I went to strike him as he stepped away. He had left himself open, but I decided to pass this one up. I stumbled forward and clumsily struck at the ground.

Smash! Hayner’s bat caught my side, taking a second orb.

I stayed still, crouched on the ground and looked up at him. I wanted Hayner to do well. I wanted him to know what I felt for him too, but it worried me that he didn’t seem to be keeping his word.

He bared his white teeth, cheshire-like.

I leapt to my feet and rushed at him. He stepped back as I advanced.

‘Two down, Hayner. Just three to go,’ I said.

‘Yeah, come on, Roxas,’ he taunted me. ‘Step up your game.’

‘What if I don’t step up my game? What if you beat me?’ I asked. ‘What would happen then?’

‘Dunno, man,’ he replied.

My sneakers squeaked against the ground as I circled him. Hayner had this faraway look in his eye as I lunged. I took an orb off his belt. He finally seemed to wake up and took a swipe at me too, taking one off me.

I leapt out the way and doubled round. ‘I’ve got two left, Hayner.’

He still looked distant. ‘I know.’

‘I don’t think you’re holding back.’

‘Am too,’ he replied.

I went for him again. Instead of lunging this time, I feinted an attack on the left, which he went to block, giving me an opening. I struck him on the right, taking out his second orb.

He went for me almost immediately. He looked to my left side, but he pretended to go for my right. I could read him. I caught his real attack and blocked with my bat. I grunted as our bats locked together. He was stronger than me, I’ll give him that. I never could resist those damn biceps. I shifted my feet to a better stance and pushed against his bat, throwing him off balance, allowing me to swipe away his third orb.

‘Two left each, man.’ I wiped sweat from my forehead. ‘You’re still not holding back.’

Hayner’s voice was whiny. ‘Can’t you let me win for once?’

‘But you made a promise.’

‘You always get to win, Roxas.’

‘That’s not true!’ I advanced at him.

Hayner backstepped. ‘You’re tougher than me. You’re better at skateboarding. Hell, even Seifer was impressed by you.’ He lowered his bat a little and said in a small voice. ‘And Olette wanted you.’

‘You’re jealous of me?’ I tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn’t look at me. ‘I thought we were boyfriends, Hayner. I thought we could do this together!’

‘I–’ he hesitated. ‘We are. Just cut me a break for once.’

‘I think you’re lying. I think you know what you really want.’

Now he looked me in the eye. We were circling each other. ‘Oh yeah?’

‘I think you’re not interested in me anymore. I think you’ve got your eye on someone else.’

‘Not true.’ He went for me. Our blue bats locked together again.

‘Then hold back.’ I grunted.

‘No. I won’t let you win. I’m fed up of it, Roxas. I wanna win for once.’

‘Hold back!’ My forearm burned as I pushed against him.

‘I just want a fair fight.’

I gritted my teeth. ‘Fine. I’ll show you a fair fight!’ 

It took me two steps and a single swipe to get my hit in.

‘Ow!’ he said and swung back at me. He feinted, which I guessed. Feinted again, which took me off-guard and then he actually went for me. I thought I sidestepped well enough but he just caught the side of my belt and my second-to-last orb.

I sprang around on the balls of my feet.

Hayner’s sweaty, furrowed brow betrayed a mixture of pain and determination.

I didn’t want us to fight. I wanted everything to be Ok. I wanted our bond to last through the summer and beyond. ‘I really love being with you, Hayner,’ I said through shallow breaths. I didn’t mean to get so emotional during a stupid struggle match, but the situation was forcing it out of me. I started to feel choked up.

Hayner bit his lip. His scowl was resolute as he charged at me. I charged at him too. I ducked and sidestepped around him at the last minute. We were inches away from each other, except I was in the right spot to swipe up at the final orb on the back of his belt. My bat caught it and sent it flying out of the ring like a baseball.

Hayner looked down at his empty belt with his mouth open.

The referee declared me winner. I was given the glass trophy and the crowd went crazy.

I wanted to feel good about the win, but all the time in the back of my mind the reality of what happened was there. Hayner was stood beside me but I couldn’t look at him.  _ He didn’t hold back. He broke his promise. _

I spent just enough time with the others to collect my skateboard.

‘Congrats!’ said Pence.

‘That was such a good fight!’ Olette added.

Hayner clapped me on the shoulder weakly. He didn’t look at me as he said, ‘Good job I let him win.’

Pence laughed.

I tried to catch Hayner’s eye. His expression was unreadable but he knew damn well he didn’t let me win.

I dropped my skateboard to the ground and rolled away. ‘Laters,’ I said.

They called after me. I didn’t look back.

 

I skated away from the plaza, through Market Street, with the damn trophy under my arm. I hate to admit it, but it hurt me what he did. It made me feel all dark inside, like my stomach was screwing itself up into a tight ball. 

If Hayner hadn’t kept his promise then what did that mean for us? I knew the answer to that question and I didn’t want to think on it. I climbed the steps up the clock tower, put down my treasures and sat at the edge.

The crowds were starting to disperse but there was still a buzz downtown.

I let out a long sigh. I don’t know why but I had a strong urge to smoke, drink or do something reckless. It was stupid really. Hayner had said he would hold back in the fight for me. It was a romantic gesture because I’d been feeling insecure. Because I felt like our love wasn’t real. He said he’d do it for me and it made me feel good. But was I right to even expect that of him? Was I kidding myself that it could work between us? Was I kidding myself that it could ever work between me and another boy? Maybe Naminé was right. Maybe I really was heartless. I looked down at my feet, dangling over the side. It all seemed so futile.

I heard footsteps beside me. For a moment I imagined it was Axel, come to shove another ice lolly in my face. I looked up.

‘Oh it’s you.’

Hayner flattened his blond hair back awkwardly. ‘Can I sit with you?’

‘No.’

He sat down anyway, leaving a couple of feet between us. He also looked down over the edge at his sneakers and the people below. His sleeveless jacket flapped in the breeze. ‘Dude. I fucked up.’

‘You broke your promise.’ I said simply.

‘Yeah.’ He took a long sigh. ‘Look. There’s something I gotta tell you. It’s easier if I just say it. I’m jealous of you. I’ve had a hard time figuring out whether I wanted to be you or whether I wanted to be  _ with _ you.

‘Yeah, I got that during the fight. You seemed pretty ticked off with me.’

‘Not with you, Roxas.’ He looked me in the eye. ‘I’m pissed off with myself. I keep asking myself why can’t I be as tough as you? You were outed to the whole class and you just shrugged it off. Seifer’s gang are our biggest rivals and yet they’re dead impressed with you. It’s like you’re this amazing guy...’ his voice trailed off.

‘And Olette asked me out,’ I added.

He threw his hands up. ‘Yeah.’

We watched the town below for some time. ‘You have a great body,’ I said. ‘I try to do arm workouts but I just get bored and I never see a difference anyway.’

Hayner laughed.

‘It’s true. Everyone at school likes you. Everyone in our gang looks up to you.’ Recognition seemed to dawn on him as he considered this. 

‘For a long time,’ I went on, ‘I was jealous of you. Tall. Handsome. Jock.’

I couldn't tell if his expression was disbelieving or contemplative.

‘I’m serious.’

He shuffled a little closer to me on the ledge. ‘So what you’re saying is, you’ve been jealous of me too.’

‘Yup.’ I thought of my weird-ass dreams. ‘I heard about these...friends once who were in a similar position. There’s something I learnt from them: I might be jealous of you for what you’ve got, but there’s something I’ve got that you’ll never be able to have.’

‘What’s that?’

‘A damn good friend.’ I let the words hang there. ‘If we’re still friends, that is.’

Hayner shuffled up and pulled me into a sideways hug. ‘You can count on it.’ He clapped me on the shoulder and ruffled my hair. ‘And if that’s the case then there’s something I got too that you don’t too...I’ve got my short-ass, spiky-haired best-bud.’

I laughed into his shoulder and we went back to sitting side-by-side.

He studied his palms. ‘I thought it could have worked between us.’

‘I’m not so sure,’ I admitted.

‘Didn’t you feel a spark?’ he asked. ‘I felt a spark.’

‘Dunno,’ I said.

He scratched the back of his head. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. It felt right. I never wanted to hurt you, Roxas.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I think I know what you want now.’

He sighed deeply. ‘Maybe…’

‘You should ask her out,’ I said.

‘Roxas–’

‘I mean it. If it works out, I hope you’re happy with Olette...or whoever your future girlfriend is.’

He turned to me. ‘Or boyfriend, Roxas. I’m not kidding that I like both.’

‘Ok, or boyfriend.’

‘I’m proud to be bi. It’s not just you that gets to live life on proud mode.’

I gave him a thumbs up. ‘Got it, buddy.’

‘And Roxas.’

‘Yeah?’

He punched my arm playfully. ‘I’m proud of ya.’

‘You’re an idiot,’ I said.

‘I know.’

‘But I’m proud of you too.’

He took hold of my hand and squeezed it.

I heard Olette and Pence laughing as I looked down at our joined hands. I let go of Hayner and looked round to see them each brandishing an ice lolly for us proud tournament finalists.

‘As if you both made the final,’ said Pence. ‘You guys were way cool. Like something out of a movie!’

I took a lolly from him. ‘Heh, thanks,’

They sat down around us.

Olette caught my eye. ‘Congratulations on winning, Roxas. Are you ready for your prize?’ She feigned getting ready for a kiss.

I looked to Hayner who had gone all fidgety. ‘I think there’s someone who might want the prize more than me.’

‘And who’s that?’ she asked, all coy. She flicked her long hair.

Hayner shuffled up next to Olette. ‘I know I asked you once already and I don’t mind if you say no…but will you go out with me?’

‘Yes,’ she said and they kissed on the lips.

I looked away. I collected my board and my trophy with the lolly in my mouth.

‘Where are you off to?’ Pence asked.

Hayner and Olette looked over.

‘I’m pleased for you guys,’ I said through a forced smile. ‘It’s just I don’t know ‘bout you, Hayner, but I’m spent.’ I headed for the steps. ‘I’ll see you guys tomorrow.’

‘Bye Roxas,’ they all said in unison.

 

I felt all mixed up inside as I skated away from the tower. I tossed my lolly away without even checking the stick for a prize. I skated toward my house, faster and faster. I couldn’t wait to get to my room and to shut the world out. The cold embrace of my bed and quilt couldn’t come soon enough. My eyes felt wet. Tears streamed down my face. I wiped them away with my sweatband. I could pretend I was happy for them. I could pretend I was happy I still had a friend, but really I felt like something inside me had been taken away.

I skidded to a stop outside the apartment block and ran up the stairs. I barely stopped to slam the front door as I rounded the corner and pushed through the stained glass door into my bedroom. I left my board and the trophy on the floor and climbed inside my bed.


	8. The Consolation Prize

I waited for the bedcovers to take me to my place of darkness.

Tap tap.

It wasn’t happening fast enough.

Tap tap tap.

What was that? I peeped out and saw Axel pressed against the outside of my window like some giant, black gecko. I lifted the handle and let him climb inside.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.

He patted my head affectionately. ‘I wanted to check you were alright.’

‘Course I’m alright. I’m champion of the struggles. I got the trophy to prove it.’

Axel picked it up from where I had dumped it by the door. He admired the glass trophy and its coloured orbs, one at the end of each of the four branches. ‘You’re not out celebrating with your gang?’

I could see him watching me out of the corner of his eye. ‘I don’t feel like it. Besides it wouldn’t be the same. Hayner and me...’ I stopped short. ‘Let’s just say we’re not as close as we were.’

‘Alright.’ He turned the trophy around in his hands. ‘I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.’

‘Yeah. Thanks, dude.’ I took the trophy off him and set it on top of my desk. It glinted in the sun’s rays. ‘I was gonna make some dinner,’ I said hopefully.

‘Cool. What are we having?’

‘Microwave pizza.’

Axel’s face lit up. ‘No way! I love that stuff. Have you got the double pepperoni?’

I chuckled at his excitement. ‘Yeah, I got it.’

His long, red hair flicked about as he practically pranced around the room. ‘Awww sweet. Can I have one, please?’

‘Yeah, dude. I’ll do us one each.’

‘You’re my best bud, Roxas.’

 

After pizza we sat on my bed together and watched the setting sun out my window. I wondered what Hayner would be doing right now. I pictured him with Olette out on a romantic evening together. Or maybe he was holled up in his room, feeling pleased with himself. I pulled the quilt over myself a little more and hugged my knees.

I could hear Axel’s soft breathing beside me. He had shrugged off his trenchcoat a while ago and was sat in his dark gray shirt and black pants. Apparently everything he wore had to be monochrome.

Axel’s gaze remained fixed out the window. ‘You wanna talk about it?’

I followed his gaze to where the sun was setting red over the rooftops. ‘What’s there to say? Everything between me and Hayner was a lie. He says he felt something. I have no idea what I felt or even if I’m capable of feeling.’

Axel’s watched over the rooftops some more. He chose his moment to respond. ‘Nobodies aren’t capable of feelings.’

I sat forward. Tugged at his shoulder. ‘Whatcha say?’

He looked at me sidelong. ‘You’re a nobody, Roxas. You don’t have a heart.’ It wasn’t said with malice, just as a matter of fact. He looked to me. His aqua eyes looked right at me and for a moment it didn’t matter that he was taller than me, a little older than me, and clearly had secrets. For that moment I felt like we were together, as one. ‘You’re a nobody, like me, Roxas. I’m just like you.’

My hand was still on his shoulder. I gripped it, hard. He carefully plied my fingers off and scooted up next to me. ‘I’m sorry, Roxas.’

I wiped some water from under my eye. Don’t know how it got there. I sniffed. I looked into his own eyes that were glistening, wet. ‘You get it, don’t you?’

He nodded. ‘If ever you wanna talk, I’m here. ‘Cause I know how you feel, ‘kay?’

He took hold of my chin. I nodded.

‘I think we should go see Naminé tomorrow,’ he remarked.

‘You were with her today?’

‘Yeah. She said there’s not long left.’

‘Not long ‘til what?’

He frowned a little. ‘Until this world comes to an end.’

I huffed. ‘I feel like that already happened’.

He glanced out the window again. ‘I know, bud. There’s a lot more going on too.’

I took hold of his arm. ‘If you know all this stuff, why don’t you tell me? Why keep it all a secret?’

‘They’re gonna come after me. I was supposed to be keeping my head low in here.’

‘Who’s coming after you?’

‘The icky Organization soon enough. Xemnas if he finds out what I’m doing. Riku.’

_ Riku! _

‘Tell me more,’ I said.

‘I’d rather you heard it from the horse’s mouth. We’ll go see the White Witch tomorrow. I want to know what you make of it all.’

‘The White Witch. Is that Naminé?’

Axel nodded.

‘You realise how ridiculous you sound.’

‘Yup.’ He got up off the bed and climbed out the window, jacket slung over his shoulder. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Roxas.’

‘Wait.’ I took hold of his hand.

He looked to me. ‘What?’

The teardrop shapes under his eyes looked quite pretty. ‘Will you stay with me?’ I asked.

His eyes darted to my empty bed. ‘You just split up with your boyfriend. I don’t wanna complicate things for you.’

I clung onto his hand even harder. ‘Please.’ I know I sounded whiney but I didn’t care. ‘Stay with me?’

He looked me in the eye. He held my gaze and I wanted to know what he was thinking. He shook his head at me. ‘All right. But I’m sleeping on the floor, got it?’

I pulled him back off the window ledge and into an embrace. Axel’s body was warm and he held me tight. 

 

Somehow Axel got from  _ I’m sleeping on the floor _ to sitting beside me in bed pretty quickly. It was so humid I’d thrown the windows wide open against the heat. We both stripped to our underwear as we settled down. Axel lay next to me and faced the wall.

His pale back was muscley. I loved the way his crimson-color hair touched the tips of his shoulders. I played with it a little and put an arm round him. I felt the curve of his smooth chest.

Axel nuzzled up against me. ‘Mmm, that feels good. You’ve no idea how long I’ve waited to feel this again. There’s all this crazy shit going on, Roxas. Real fucked up stuff and the only thing that makes it okay is moments like this. Moments when I can pretend that I’m not a nobody and that I do have a heart.’

I pulled him toward me. He turned to face me and I wrapped an arm round him. The embrace was warm, but I still felt a little tightness in my chest. I still felt a little low. ‘What would it feel like if I did have a heart, Axel?’ I asked.

I felt his shoulders shrug. ‘Beats me. Most people don’t feel like us. Most people won’t understand us.’

‘It doesn’t mean we can’t try to be like most people,’ I said. I kissed him on his arm. It had little dark red hairs running down it that grew thicker towards his wrists. It turned me on so much when I realised he had thick patches of red hair under his arms too. ‘How can we know if we never try?’ 

Axel’s aqua eyes met mine. ‘I knew there was a reason I had to come back to you.’ Our bare chests pressed together as he pulled me even closer. I felt his lips graze my cheek softly. ‘You’re so full of passion. I love this part of you.’

He kissed me again, this time on the lips. I breathed in deeply and felt his tongue against mine, and the scrape of the stubble on his chin as we kissed each other passionately, lovingly.

Finally we pulled away. Axel looked me up and down. ‘You’re so cute, Roxas, but you’re so petite you make me feel like a creep.’

‘Hey, I’m fifteen,’ I said defensively. ‘You look about thirty.’

‘I’m seventeen, buddy. Got it memorized?’

I chuckled.

‘Hey, I didn’t realise you brought your struggle bat with you,’ he said.

I looked around the room. My trophy was still on the desk, but I definitely didn’t have a bat.

Axel laughed at me. He tugged playfully at the waistband of my boxershorts. I looked down. ‘Oh.’

I glanced Axel’s own shorts. ‘I see you brought yours too,’ I chided.

He laughed as he nuzzled my ear. He whispered so softly it sent chills down my spine. ‘Wanna spar?’

I didn’t answer with words. Instead I pulled him on top of me and we spent the night connecting not only physically, but emotionally.


	9. The White Witch

RESTORATION AT 97% COMPLETE

Sora pushed against the huge, white door, but it wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t budge under his strength alone.

A chirpy voice cut through the dark. ‘Now, Sora. Let’s close this door for good!’ There was a silhouette on the other side. Small, with two large, round ears.

‘Your Majesty!’ Donald Duck called out.

Sora pushed again half-heartedly. He was pushing it closed on King Mickey. ‘But,’ he said.

The mouse-shaped silouhette answered him from the other side. ‘Don’t worry. There will always be a door to the light.’

Goofy, Sora’s loyal sidekick gave him a reassuring nod. ‘You can trust King Mickey.’

A flash of silver hair appeared as Riku approached the door. He was on Mickey’s side too. 

Sora wanted so much to pull that loveable hard-ass to his side, but they had to close the door to the darkness. They had to do it together.

Riku’s eyes narrowed. His voice rang out urgently, ‘Now! They’re coming.’ 

Sora heaved against the door. With the joint effort of him and his companions on his side, and King Mickey and Riku on the other, the door slowly moved.

Riku’s gray-blue eyes shone in the crack of light that remained. ‘Take care of her,’ he said as the door slammed closed.

He meant Kairi, their childhood friend.

_ Take care of yourself _ , Sora thought.

 

I woke with a start. Sunlight streamed through the flapping curtains. Axel was reclined at my desk. He was sipping from a coffee cup while watching me. He was deliciously naked.

‘You kids do like to sleep in. I thought we’d lost ya to the land of darkness,’ he remarked.

‘Very funny,’ I said as I ogled his lean body from the bed.

He set the cup down. ‘Come on. Let’s get showered, sleepyhead.’

 

I was groggy from the early morning and my whole body felt stiff. After a day of fighting in the tournament, and some sparring with Axel, I was sore in places I didn’t even know could get sore.

The water was hot and steamy, but Axel’s touch behind me made me feel hotter still. He put an arm around my chest and massaged my back and shoulders. It made me feel tingly all over. This was perfect. If I could stay in Twilight Town and have this every day, I could have died happy.

 

We held hands as we walked through the woods.

‘I thought the mansion was abandoned,’ I remarked.

‘It’s not really what it seems.’ Axel led me up a small dirt trail to the crest of a hill where there was a set of wrought iron gates. Behind the gates was a sprawling building that had succumbed to a curtain of weeds and ivy. The whole place had this stillness that was unnatural. There was no wind, no critters scurrying past, no sound of distant traffic. Only there was one thing that struck me. A hint of motion from one of the upstairs windows.

‘Did you see that?’ I asked.

‘That’ll be her,’ Axel replied.

 

Naminé was sat in a large room that was painted entirely in white. It was like someone had intended to decorate, but had just left the room a blank canvas.

Axel hung by the doorway. Naminé beckoned me to join her at a long table. Its white surface was so varnished I could almost see my face in it. Naminé had some drawings around her and the only color in the room was in those drawings and the pencils beside them.

‘Roxas,’ she said warmly.

One of the drawings caught my eye. Two figures in black cloaks had been scribbled hastily on the page. One tall with red hair, the other short with spiky, brown.

‘Wait. This is me? And Axel?’

‘You are best friends. I’m glad you’ve reconnected.’ She pushed some of the light-colored fringe out of her eyes.

‘Why have we both got black cloaks?’

‘You were both in Organization XIII.’

‘Very funny.’

‘Do you want to know the truth?’ she asked me. ‘About who you are?’

‘No one knows me better than me.’

‘Of course…’

I shuffled through the other drawings. Some of them were right out of my dreams, the weird dreams with Sora and his friends.

‘You know these three don’t you?’ She picked up a brown pencil and added some color to Sora’s spiky hair.

‘Yeah. Sora, Donald and Goofy. They’re from the dreams.’

Naminé focused on her coloring. ‘About a year ago some things happened and I had to take apart the memories chained together in Sora’s heart. But now I’m putting them all back exactly the way they were. You know who Sora is. Don’t you?’

‘Yeah. We’ve spoken before.’

‘Wow,’ Axel gasped from behind us. 

I looked round at him.

He waved a dismissive hand. ‘Sorry, guys, I didn’t realise the link would be that strong.’

Naminé nodded. ‘It’s taken me a long time but pretty soon Sora will be his old self again. The process has been affecting you too, Roxas.’

‘You mean the dreams.’

‘Yes.’

‘You and Sora are connected. And in order for Sora to become completely whole again he needs you.’

‘He said something like that before,’ I recalled. ‘But what does he need me for?’

‘You hold half of what he is. He needs you, Roxas.’ 

I could feel myself frowning. ‘But why? How do you know all this? Who even are you, Naminé?’

‘I’m a witch with power over Sora’s memories and those around him.’

‘I never did believe you were a transfer student, but a witch?’

‘That’s what DiZ called me.’

‘DiZ?’

‘Darkness in Zero,’ she explained patiently. ‘I don’t know why I have this power...I just do. I’m not even sure there’s a right way for me to use it.’

‘I can’t help you there. You just gotta do what feels right,’ I said. ‘It’s funny. Suddenly I feel like I don’t know myself at all.’ I fiddled with the zipper pull on my jacket nervously. ‘I guess I would like to know, what do you know about me that I don’t?’

She looked to me earnestly. ‘You were never supposed to exist, Roxas.’

I bit my lip. ‘How could you even say such a thing? Even if it were true?’

‘I’m sorry. I guess some things really are better left unsaid.’

We both looked out the window. In the distance you could see the tops of the trees across the forest.

Axel’s boots tapped quietly on the floor as he came over. ‘Naminé, are we about done?’

Naminé nodded vaguely but her eyes remained fixed outside. She looked so bright in her white dress and blonde hair, but there was something in her expression that seemed to age her beyond her years.

Axel took my hand and we left for the front gates.

‘I’d sorta heard most of that already,’ I said.

‘Good,’ Axel replied ‘But listen, just because it’s what they want you to do, doesn’t mean you have to. Think on what  _ you  _ want Roxas.’

‘I wanna stay with you,’ I said.

He smiled at me. ‘Great. Well, I gotta take care of some stuff. Meet me later?’

‘Yeah, okay.’ I put my arms round him and leaned up to give him a kiss. It still made my pulse rise as I tasted Axel and felt him so close. It was hard watching him walk away. I felt like I needed to be with him. I felt like I was better when I was with him.

It’s odd, because, looking back I feel like I should have taken the news that I wasn’t supposed to exist much worse. It’s funny the way you just carry on with stuff. Even if you don’t quite know why you’re here or what you’re supposed to be doing, you gotta keep trying until you make it. There was a niggle in the back of my mind as I crossed town. Something big was going to happen. I tried not to let it bother me.


	10. Time to Forget

I found Hayner and the rest of the gang outside Scrooge McDuck’s place buying ice cream.

I saw Hayner’s hand brush against Olette’s as they waited in line together.

Pence’s round face lit up when he saw me. ‘Hey, tournament winner!’

‘Hey losers!’ I replied.

Olette high-fived me.

Hayner greeted me with a fistbump. ‘Hey, can I talk a second? Olette, could you get the ices?’

‘Sure thing. I’ll get your favourite, Roxas, chocolate mint,’ she said with a wink.

‘Hey, I like sea salt!’

She giggled. ‘I’m teasing.’

We exchanged grins. ‘Very funny,’ I said.

 

Hayner led me to an empty bench beside the café.

‘I was worried you weren’t coming back. Where were you?’ he asked.

‘I was with my new boyfriend,’ I said with a smirk.

‘I’ll believe it when I see it,’ he said.

‘All right. His name’s Axel. I’ll show you guys later.’

‘Ok, cool.’ Hayner's brow furrowed. ‘No hard feelings then?’

‘Nothing an ice cream won’t solve,’ I said.

‘Good,’ said Hayner. He seemed to relax a little. ‘Thanks for being cool about this. I know it ain’t easy.’

I messed his hair up for him. ‘We’re best friends, right?’

He sorted his hair out before pulling me close. ‘Best friends.’ He hugged me briefly, before getting up from the bench. ‘Seifer was here earlier by the way. He was serious about our gangs working together.’

‘What did you say to him?’ I asked. ‘Shove off?’

Hayner laughed, ‘I thought to myself, what would Roxas want?’

‘That right?’

‘Yeah. Roxas, o champion of justice and virtue. I told him we’d be happy to work together.’

‘That’s cool, man,’ I replied.

‘I thought so.’

We went back over to the others.

‘Thanks,’ I said to Olette as she passed me a sea salt ice cream.

Hayner pointed his ice cream at me. ‘This one tells me he’s got a new man already.’

I sucked on the lolly some. ‘His name’s Axel. Tell you what I’ll go get him. I’d love for you guys to meet.’

‘All right!’ said Olette.

‘Meet you at the secret hideout?’ said Pence.

‘Sure!’

‘Catch you in a bit,’ said Hayner.

 

It took me ages to find Axel. I eventually saw him strolling out of the mansion gates with his hands in his pockets.

I beckoned him over. ‘What were you doing in there?’

‘I was catching up with Chip and Dale,’ he replied. We walked back through the forest. ‘They made good on our deal and they’ve got us a ship ready.’

‘A ship? What for?’

‘For our escape.’ Axel squeezed my hand.

‘Escape? I don’t want to escape,’ I said.

‘You might have to, buddy.’

‘All right,’ I said. ‘Well, whatever happens I want you to meet my friends. They’re at the hideout.’

‘Sweet. Better make sure they memorize the great Axel!’

 

As we made our way back through town, the air felt thick and heavy. It had that kind of feeling you get before a storm, when the pressure is building. There were thick, dark clouds forming in the sky, but it seemed to me like there was something worse coming than an electrical storm. As we reached the entrance to the hideout I felt it break open.

 

 RESTORATION AT 100% COMPLETE

 

 We both stopped short outside the hideout. Axel looked around like he was expecting something to jump out at us and he gripped my fingers tightly.

A voice rang out. It boomed all around us: ROXAS, COME TO THE MANSION.

Axel looked up to the sky. ‘That’s DiZ. I got these icky orders to bring you there myself.’

I tore away from his hand. ‘Come on, man. At least meet my friends.’

I pushed through the cloth opening. Hayner, Olette and Pence were sat around a stereo, chatting excitedly about the struggles.

‘Hey guys!’ I said.

They didn’t answer me. They didn’t even look up.

‘Hey!’ I said. I walked right up to them. It was like I wasn’t there. 

I went to push Hayner playfully, but I ended up falling right through him. It was like I was a ghost. ‘Guys? Guys? Why can’t you hear me?’

Axel was watching me from the doorway, his eyes cast down. ‘We gotta get to the mansion, bud.’

‘But my friends.’

‘They can’t hear you, Roxas. They’re just bits of data now. That’s all they ever were.’

‘No!’ I lunged at him. ‘You’re telling me all this was a lie?’

He took hold of my arm in a tight grip. I wrestled away, as my friends continued chatting without me. ‘You telling me all those times I thought I belonged somewhere...that it was all a lie?’

Axel held my gaze. ‘I don’t know what to say. I thought Naminé’s words would help you.’

‘That I was never supposed to exist?’ I shouted. ‘Sure, that helped me a lot.’

I pushed past him and out to the streets.

‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he asked.

‘Home.’

‘Nuh-uh.’ Axel clicked his fingers. A scorching wall of fire appeared in front of me. ‘You’re coming to the mansion.’

I turned to look at him.

He got right up close. I could feel his breath on my face as he spoke in a low voice. ‘Look, I gotta pretend I brought you in, but at the last minute we’re gonna make a run for it, okay?’

I didn’t know what to say. 

He led me with a firm hand on my shoulder. ‘I know you’re feeling upset about all that never was, but at least you got all the happy times in here.’ He patted me on the head. ‘You got it memorized, right?’

‘I guess,’ I said quietly.

‘Come on. Let’s go see DiZ.’


	11. Time to Choose

Naminé had a somber expression as she greeted us in the mansion foyer. ‘Are you ready to join with Sora?’

‘No, I’m not!’ I blurted out. ‘Should I do it just because DiZ says so? How can I know you’re the good guys?’

Naminé beckoned us both down a corridor. There was a library at the far end with colorful books on the shelves. ‘Bad or good? I don’t know. DiZ and the Organization for that matter are just a group of incomplete people who wish to be whole.’

The words struck me. It was why Axel felt the same as me. He was from the Organization too. Naminé said I had been once too, but I couldn’t remember.

‘They’re desperately searching for something,’ Naminé continued.

‘For what?’ I asked.

‘Kingdom Hearts,’ Axel interjected.

‘All right. So, say I went along with this. Say I wanted to help them get Kingdom Hearts, what’s gonna happen to me now?’

‘It’s a good question,’ said Axel as we walked side-by-side.

‘You are–.’ And Naminé stopped. She turned into blocks of data that dissolved into thin air right beside us.

A new guy appeared in her place. He stood between us and the library. He looked to me through the one eye hole in his red hood. His jacket was an oxblood red with a cutout at its centre. It almost resembled a missing heart.

‘DiZ,’ I said.

Axel gripped my shoulder tightly.

DiZ spoke to me in a commanding tone. ‘There is no knowledge that has the power to change your fate.’

‘I still want to know,’ I answered. ‘I have the right to know.’

‘A nobody doesn’t have the right to know. Nor does it even have the right to be.’

‘What even is a nobody?’ I asked him.

Naminé spawned back into the room. She called out to me from behind DiZ. ‘Nobodies like us are only half a person. You won’t disappear. You will be whole!’

‘Wait. What do you mean?’

DiZ took hold of Naminé. ‘No further outbursts!’

A third figure appeared out of thin air. He stood beside DiZ and wore a thick, black cloak. ‘We’re out of time.’

A dark portal opened up behind Naminé, swirling in a haze of black and purple.

DiZ tried to force her through the portal, but Naminé struggled against him. ‘Roxas!’ she cried. ‘We will meet again. And then we can talk about everything. I may not know it’s you, and you may not know it’s me. But we will meet again. Someday soon. I promise!’

‘Let her go!’ I called out. ‘Naminé!’ 

But they all vanished into a bright light. DiZ, Naminé, the cloaked figure and Axel were gone. They left me in the hallway in front of the library, alone. I straightened the jacket round my shoulders and tugged up the pointed zipper pull.  _ What the hell was I supposed to do? _

I stepped into the library. The whole floor glowed brilliant white and faded away to reveal a gray-blue staircase. I followed it down to a basement that was cold, dark, and hummed with electronic machinery.

There were stacks of servers that looked like one giant Playstation with a flat-screen TV beside it. The lights on the servers blinked as packets of data were chained together to form the simulation that was playing. I saw Hayner, Olette and Pence living out their lives, carrying on with their summer vacation without me. They were just data. None of it had been real. I could see the datastream and lines of code that held the illusion together. The illusion that had been my life.

I couldn’t go back to it now even if I wanted to.

I heard a door slide open. Axel stepped through. ‘There you are.’

‘This place is like a magic funhouse,’ I said.

He chuckled but there was a serious edge to his expression. ‘You made up your mind yet?’

I tugged at his cloak and hugged him. He hugged me back. The smell of warm leather was familiar. ‘What choice have I got?’ I said into his chest.

He took hold of my hand and led me through a further corridor. ‘You can run away with me. Or you can stay here and join with Sora.’

‘Aren’t they gonna force me to join with him?’

‘Aha, well they think I’m escorting you,’ Axel explained. ‘Turns out Axel’s smarter than the lot of them.’

‘No kidding,’ I said.

He tapped some numbers on a keypad and a door slid open. ‘This way,’ he said.

We were in another long hallway, only this one had pipes and electrical wires running along it. There were two weird, bulb-shaped capsules at the far end in the shape of tulips that hadn’t opened.

I went up to one of them and behind the glass I saw that duck from my dreams. Donald was fast asleep. Eyes closed. Yellow beak shut tight.

In the next pod was Goofy. His eyes were closed, his face cast down with big, floppy ears resting either side.

They both looked so peaceful as they slept there. Suspended. Waiting.

‘I know these guys.’ My words echoed round the chamber.

‘They’re Sora’s companions aren’t they,’ said Axel.

‘Yeah.’ I took hold of Axel’s hand. ‘This is so weird, Axel. To tell you the truth, I’m a little scared.’

He pulled me in close and kissed me on the cheek. ‘Don’t be. Just a little further. This way.’

The next room was spacious and gray but dominated by an even larger pod at its center. As we walked up to it, the form of DiZ phased in again in an array of blocks.

DiZ stood between me and the pod. ‘At last, the keyblade’s chosen one,’ he said.

‘Who are you talking to?’ I asked. ‘Me or Sora?’

‘To half of Sora, of course. It is time for you to join with him and become whole.’

‘No!’ I called out. I ran at him and the keyblade appeared in my hands. I struck at him with the blade, but it went right through him.

‘My apologies. This is only a data-based projection.’

DiZ disappeared and my keyblade pointed right at the pod. A shaft of light shot out from the end and struck at its center between the overlap of two petals. Axel came and stood beside me as the whole thing unfurled. The petals bent away and I took in a breath.

Inside was the sleeping boy. He looked a little like me. In fact I might have grown up to be a lot like him if I had stayed to graduate high school and had another couple of years to grow. He was slightly broader-shouldered than me, hair a little less messy and a little darker. He looked less boyish but he was still a short-ass. I noticed he wore a silver crown-shaped necklace which had pointed tips. It was like my zipper pull, which had four similar points arranged in a cross. I hung onto it and felt its points.

Seeing Sora there, I didn’t expect it to have such an impact on me. There was some kind of pull, like I was drawn to him, like we were supposed to be together. I had been with him in my dreams, seen so many of his exploits and times with his friends, and now he was there, stopped in time, awaiting rescue, waiting for me. His other half.  _ Could I really just leave him here?  _ I thought I was ready to leave with Axel, but now I wasn’t so sure.

Axel’s foot tapped impatiently by the doorway. ‘Come on, buddy. Are you coming with me or are you staying with him?’

I could see the strain in his eyes, I could hear the worry in his voice. Sora needed me. But I had to try for myself. I had to see if I could lead a life of my own. Would a life with Axel be better? It was a tough decision to make, but I took a deep breath and followed Axel through the door. He didn’t see me glance back at the sleeping boy to take one final look at him. One final look at the boy I turned my back on. Poor guy.

There was a weird rumbling sound that grew higher in pitch as he pushed on ahead. It sounded like a huge engine revving up to speed.

‘Dammit!’ Axel cried. ‘I told them to wait for me!’ He sprinted ahead and beckoned for me to follow. ‘Come on, Roxas!’

He darted across another room and through a door that led to a smoke-filled hangar. As I ran after him a hooded figure rushed inside. He blocked my path and and thumped on the panel to make the door slide closed. 

I could still hear the whine of the engine behind it.

His hair was silver.

‘I know you,’ I said. ‘You’re Riku.’

‘Turn back,’ he said. ‘Join with him.’

‘No! I choose my own destiny. I’m choosing to go my own way.’

‘With another nobody? What good will that do?’

‘It will do me a world of good, because I love him,’ I said.

Recognition flickered across Riku’s face.

‘I know what you feel for Sora. I’ve seen what you guys had,’ I said.

His silver-blue eyes flashed bright. ‘If you really knew how I felt, you’d be getting him back for me.’

‘I can’t, Riku. I’m sorry.’ I pushed past him.

He shoved me bodily away from the door. ‘No, I’m sorry.’ A keyblade appeared in his hand. It was dark and red.

I got to my feet and two keyblades appeared, one in each of my hands. Riku charged at me and I fought with both blades. One forehand, one backhand. It was like there were two fires inside of me, burning bright.

‘I won’t let you stop me!’ I shouted as I charged at him.

He blocked my strike. ‘You can’t abandon him!’

I struck again. ‘You’re making this harder than it needs to be.’

‘You look so much like him. This is breaking my heart.’ Riku dodged and swirled around for another hit, which I dived away from.

‘You’re lucky you have a heart to be broken in the first place,’ I called out, as I tumbled away. ‘You’re lucky you had a chance to be with Sora. I want the same with Axel. It’s my turn!’ I rushed at him, both keyblades held forward.

‘You’re just half of what Sora is. You’re destined to be a part of him.’ Riku tried to fend me off with his own, single blade.

‘I don’t give a crap what he is.’ I slashed at him. ‘I don’t care if I’m a half or a nobody. I’m Roxas and I’m making my own destiny, dammit!’ I slashed again and again.

The keyblades clanged as Riku fended off my attacks. He finally stepped back and lowered his weapon. His shoulders heaved as he caught his breath. ‘You’re too strong. Sora is destined to fight the darkness and spread the light. I hope you use your half of his power to do the same.’

‘I will,’ I said as I wiped my forehead. The keyblades vanished from my hands. 

‘Goodbye, Sora. If you’re still in there.’ Riku darted out the door and he was gone.

_ Goodbye, Riku _ .

He was still there inside of me. If I had a heart it would have jumped up into my throat. I was splitting them apart so I could be with Axel.

I remembered a conversation we’d had, when I was asleep. When I was halfway between my own world and his.

‘I’m a long way from home,’ Sora had said. ‘A long way. But I think we’re connected so you can help me.’

‘Help you? But how?’

‘I don’t know, Roxas. But you’ll find a way.’

‘I guess I’ll try. No promises though. I’m not in the habit of doing things strange people ask me in my dreams.’

‘It’s cool. And Roxas?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thank you,’ he replied.

_ Fucking thank you.  _ The boy was hanging on waiting for me to do the right thing and all he could do was sit back and politely say thank you. He was definitely a good guy. In fact he was too nice for his own good. He had all these friends—Riku, Kairi, Donald, Goofy, King Mickey. And who did I have? Memories of Hayner, Olette and Pence. And now Axel. He was my King.

Axel came skidding out the door. ‘Come on, buddy. Chip and Dale say we’ve got one minute until our ship is locked out. We gotta take off now!’

I wanted to reply but nothing came out my throat but a loud sob. Everything blurred. Tears streamed down my face.

Axel came up to me. He held my chin. ‘What is it, baby?’

I hugged him. I held him tight. I held him so fucking tight and I wanted the world to end there in that moment so we could be together. Forever.

Nothing is forever.

‘I’ve got to save him, Axel.’

He didn’t reply. He only held me tighter.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I sobbed into his shoulder. ‘I’m so fucking sorry.’

Axel ruffled my hair. He looked down at me. Tears were streaming down his face too. ‘I’m sorry I made it difficult for you,’ he said.

‘Don’t be. You showed me love, you showed me kindness. You showed me that actually, I really did have a heart. Maybe not like everyone else, but one that’s good enough.’

‘Me too, buddy.’ He kissed me. He tasted of fiery, hot pepper. I thought back to all the times we had kissed, all the times we had been at each other’s sides. There were too few of them. We could have had a life together. 

A strange, high-pitched voice called out from where the ship was revving up. ‘Come on, Axel!’

Finally our kiss ended. 

Axel ruffled my hair one final time. ‘I love you,’ he said.

‘I love you too.’ And I broke down. I could barely see for the tears. I could barely commit myself to the decision. My heart wanted to be with Axel. But Sora had so many people to save. I had to do it not just for Sora, but for everybody else.

Axel made the first step away. ‘I’ll never forget you, buddy. I got it memorized.’ He tapped his temple, then he turned and walked away.

The sounds of the ship roared louder as he ran away.

I made myself turn back to Sora. Back to the boy who had thanked me. The boy who had waited patiently for me. The boy who Naminé had guided me to help. The boy who had Riku’s love but was still missing his other half. He was missing me.

I ran back into the room with the pod at the center. I wiped the tears away from my eyes with my sweatband and I pressed my hands against the glass. Our faces were inches apart.

‘You’re lucky,’ I said to him. ‘It looks like my summer vacation is over.’

The glass fizzled away and Sora came stumbling out. He opened his eyes and looked right at me. Recognition spread across his face. ‘You made it,’ he said softly.

‘Yeah. I did it for you.’

He stepped forward, arms outstretched. He hugged me. He felt warm. His scent was familiar. And just like in the dream he spoke to me. ‘Thank you, Roxas.’

And as we hugged I felt my body merge with his.

I rested inside of him and it felt right. I felt like I was someplace home, someplace safe.


	12. Time to Remember

There are accounts from the gummyship pilots, Chip and Dale, that Axel spent most of the long flight in the cabin, slumped in a seat and looking out at the stars and the worlds that flew by. He sipped from a dark liquor bottle. He refused all offers of food or bed and just sat there, wordlessly watching the universe go by, occasionally sobbing into his sleeves or looking out the porthole with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

Some time later, King Mickey sat down next to Axel on the edge of the balcony. The moonlight shone through the clouds that were scattered about the inky sky. Axel watched him pull down the hood of his dark cloak, which was shaped for his two round ears.

Mickey handed him a small, silver piece of jewelry. It shone in the moonlight.

Axel turned it over in his hands. The four silver points of the zipper pull were familiar. Very familiar. He felt something he hadn’t known in a while. A little surge of excitement. ‘Is this his?’ 

‘Riku recovered it for you,’ Mickey explained.

‘Riku, huh?’ Axel remarked. 

They regarded what could be seen of the castle grounds in the darkness. The formal hedgerows snaked round square-shaped flower beds and the obnoxious number of fountains.

‘You know there’s plenty of opportunity for you to work with us,’ Mickey said chirpily.

‘I know,’ Axel replied. ‘Belle and Beast are letting me stay here while I sort my feelings out.’

‘They’re a great couple,’ Mickey said. ‘And how are you getting on with sorting them out?’

Axel looked down at the metal cross in his hands. He held it tight. ‘It feels so unfair that he was taken away from me, you know. But I think I’m coming to terms with it, and you know what, I’m glad for the times we had. I got them all memorized in here.’

He had an urge to tap his temple. Instead held the cross tightly and brought it to the left side of his chest.

‘I’m pleased to hear it,’ said Mickey. ‘Give my regards to Belle and Beast.’

‘I will,’ Axel replied. ‘I’ll let you know when I’m ready for that job.’

Mickey stood up from the balcony. ‘You take your time. You know where I am.’

‘Thanks for bringing this,’ Axel replied as he regarded the glinting cross. ‘I’ll treasure it.’

Mickey nodded. ‘It’s the least I could do.’

They were in that dark place where the moonlight reflected off the ocean as it rolled over the shore. The gnarled and pointed silhouettes of huge, petrified forms towered all around them.

Sora helped Riku who was limping along the gloomy beach. Their last fight had taken its toll on him.

‘End of the road,’ Riku huffed.

‘Yep,’ said Sora, as he held up the weight of Riku against him. It had been a hard fight, but they had won. They had done it together.

‘Put me down. I can walk.’

Sora set him down and walked up to the shoreline. He heard a thud as Riku fell to the sand.

‘Riku!’ Sora went to help him.

‘If this is darkness,’ said Riku. ‘Then I think I can live with it.’

‘Yeah,’ said Sora as he sat next to him. ‘The realm of light is safe now. Kairi, the King and the others are there.’

‘Hey Sora. Could you help me? I wanna get down to the water.’

Sora rolled his eyes. ‘Can’t you just sit still?’ He didn’t expect an answer. He lifted Riku and hauled him down to the spot where the waves lapped at the sand. They sat side by side and watched the ocean together as it sparkled under the gloomy sky.

Riku leaned into him as Sora held him up. He was heavy, but it didn’t matter. Sora ran his fingers through the long, silver hair. Riku nuzzled his cheek and they kissed under the moonlight. Neither of them knew how long they would be there, but it didn’t matter because they were together.

 

Sora must have dozed off, because he found himself being woken gently by Riku a while later. Riku brandished a note from a bottle. ‘I think it’s for you,’ he said.

Sora read from the note. ‘Thinking of you wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard. Or maybe it’s already begun. There are many worlds, but they share the same sky—one sky, one destiny.’

And it was signed off with that instantly-recognizable, girly handwriting: ‘Kairi.’

A huge, shimmering door of light opened up in front of them. It was  _ the door to the light _ . The one they had hoped would come. Sora offered his hand and helped Riku up. They went through the door together.

 

On an island far, far away, as the sun set pink over the ocean, two shining forms came diving out of the sky. They plunged into the ocean together.

The two boys surfaced. Sora shook his hair like a dog and secretly enjoyed the way Riku frowned at him disapprovingly.

‘Sora! Riku!’ a voice called out.

They looked to the shore and Kairi was there, waving them in from the beach. It was all very familiar: the sea-salt scent in the air, the warm, orange sands, the wooden beach huts and the rows of paopu fruit trees that towered along the shore. They were back at Destiny Islands. They were home.

They swam inland together. Sora kept a hand on Riku’s back to help him along.

King Mickey, Donald and Goofy all emerged out the huts and rushed over to greet them. Donald and Goofy each jumped at Sora and pulled him into a big hug. He lost his balance and they fell clumsily to the wet sand, laughing at one another.

He looked over and saw Riku and Mickey sharing their own fond embrace.

Sora held his friends with warmth. Finally, he approached Kairi, who looked to him with laughter lines around her eyes.

And then I could feel it. I was inside Sora. And Naminé was inside Kairi.

It didn’t matter what had gone before. Even if my time with Hayner, Pence and Olette hadn’t been real for them, it had been real for me, and I would remember the good times we’d had together. It goes without saying that I would remember Axel too. I hoped he was well. I hoped he could go on without me. Because I had got through it and all the memories we shared were safe inside of me. I had it all memorized.

Naminé had promised that we would be reunited someday and I realised that I too, like Sora, had been finding my own way. I had been trying to find my way in the world, a way to be me and to be someplace safe. Someplace I could call home. And there on Destiny Islands, with Sora and his friends, I had found it. A place where I belonged. My home. My sanctuary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my fic! I like to write in my lunch breaks at my boring job. This is my first stab at fan fiction and I wrote this one for a friend actually. It's not perfect, but I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any comments or criticism I would be happy to hear from you! ^_^


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